Friday, May 20, 2016

The fear of always being the new kid.

You know from reading this blog you might get the idea that my childhood was this awful mess. The reality is my childhood was wonderful for the most part. I am SO lucky to have had two parents who loved me, supported me, and stuck together when the times got really rough. I have some of the most amazing friends that I do not even remotely deserve who have stood by my side even when I let them down and have believed in me when I had no hope left. I had a almost charmed lifestyle riding horses, traveling, and if I even went into my adventures in the computer world you might call me a liar. There is so much of my life that is so outrageous that I often say that if I wrote a book about my life they would most likely publish it as fiction. So much of my life was so good that it almost makes it more difficult for me to admit that I am not always the strongest or that I'm not always ok.


I had planned to make my next blog post about how I met my husband but I want to put brakes on that because for some odd reason this blog seems to be more about me working out my feelings about losing my dad and I can't promise any of you that the storyline to get me there will be in any particular order. That blog post was derailed as I got into this conversation with my best friend. Its his birthday today and though I may not be his best friend he has been mine for almost as long as I can remember. Having a "best friend" when you move as often as I have is at best a challenging prospect. The line in fight club about having single serving friends is the best way to put this.. I am a MASTER at making short term friends and I am a master at making a friendship in which I am a caregiver but letting someone in to the point that they might have to take care of my feelings it be both ways is nearly impossible. What got me thinking about this is I was talking about refinancing my house and I was trying to describe some improvements I wanted to make and I used a house I lived in as a child in TN as an example. He very clearly remembered the layout of my room and the things in it. I remember the things in it (as I also remember how everything I owned fit into boxes best) but I've had so many "rooms" that the layout sometimes gets a bit fuzzy. 

Now I'm sure you are asking where this is going as I've been a little long winded getting to the point. I am sure we have all experienced the moment at some time in our life of being the "new kid" be it having to stand in front of a new class at school telling them about yourself, going to a new job, a new college, ect. The fear is at times a bit overwhelming as you have no idea if anyone will like you. How imagine that on an epic scale. You are ALWAYS the new kid, you are always having to try to prove yourself or make friends or start over. I think I have done this routine so often in life that I never really stopped. I constantly feel the need to try to prove myself, and it's really hard for me to let anyone take care of me even on a very basic level. Believe me it's not that I do not need the help and I really have nothing to prove. I know logically in my head that I'm at a point in my life I have nothing left to prove and ironically the people I try to impress most of the time are already the people who are my friends. I also know I have nothing to prove.. I have great friends, I have an amazing husband who is nothing but supportive in everything, I have AMAZING kids, but yet i still act like a pitbull in a terrier's body. I also know that I am only one person and when friends offer to help I should take it but it's so damn hard as I feel like I'm admitting weakness if I even take small gifts.

I spent so much time trying to take care of everyone else and everything else that I tend to lose track of my own needs. Even in refinancing the house I agonize over every little detail on any improvements that need to be made and feel an overwhelming sense of fear over adding even $50 to my loan monthly as what happens if (whatever the crisis of the day is) needs me? I guess I've spent so much of my life having to figure things out by myself and being resourceful to get things done that it's sooo hard for me to let go and allow someone else to even take care of me on a basic level. I always just assume that if someone is helping me they want something out of me (as honestly that has been my experience 99% of the time). My way of coping with always being the "new kid" is to rely solely on myself and honestly to be controlled about my emotions. The problem is that now my life is settled its HARD to give up the control. I've spent my entire life taking care of someone else (my dad, my mom, my friends) that admitting I am not a super hero and allowing anyone else to "help" is sooo hard. I don't think I will ever loose my drive to protect and take care of my family and friends like a lion but I know I need to start allowing them to protect me as well. Instead of saying "I will do it myself." start saying "Thank you!!". 

More later.. much love!

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