Monday, May 9, 2016

Just jump... starting the goal to blog authentically.

Several years ago back when I was struggling with my eyesight and shortly after the blog changed names I was at the height of my blogging success. I was making enough money that I could have reasonably lived on (though very frugally) my earnings from the blog and we were running so many contests that my house looked like a mini warehouse. I was at that point though at my lowest point in blogging history. I was VERY unhappy both in my personal life and in my writing. My marriage was at a breaking point, I had two young children, I was doing 10+ blog posts a week all of which I was very upbeat, very positive, and constantly trying to find something awesome to say about every product I was writing about.

The problem was I was dishonest... Dishonest in the fact that the face I was showing the world through writing was NOT my own. I was so scared to write in my own genuine voice about topics that really mattered to me because I was scared to upset my dad, disappoint my readers, and mostly look unprofessional. Well in the process I fell horribly behind on my reviews, and I was literally running out of things to say. Ever have to write 5000 reviews and never say anything but something positive? Its not possible... at some point you start sounding like a broken record. I felt like a broken record spewing out the same tired old shit every other second. I felt disingenuous because I was being dishonest. Dishonest with the reader about who I really was and about how I was really feeling. I got burned out.

My life was a shambles, I was having panic attacks, I was depressed, and I felt like a worthless human being. Kinda hard to project this perfect family for a blog when there is nothing at all perfect about it! I would write these incredibly snarky genuine emails to several of the PR people I was blogging for all of which would beg me to write that way on my blog and all of which I would deny because I was scared. Well It took me a few years but I think it's time I finally start sharing this with you guys. My real life, my struggles, my successes and failures, because honestly I think I need to do this for myself but I think there are more of you out there like me who feel trapped in this reality that is just not real.

The crazy thing is the more you worry about what others think of you the more mistakes you make and the more unhappy you become. A wise man and my most trusted friend once told me that sometimes it takes a long road of trying to be someone you are not to realize that all along your 14 year old self was your most genuine moment. That may not be true for all of us but I will tell you that my 14 year old self was incredibly dorky, loved video games and anything scifi, read more books than watched tv, was fiercely loyal to herself and her friends, and was ready to take on the world. I had this amazing group of friends who later became literally my family and foundation when shit hit the fan and that person IS the person I want to become again.

What does this mean for you guys? Well first of all I refuse to write another word that isn't 100% honest. I still want to do reviews but I want to also just blog about my life. The struggles of moving so often growing up that I can barely remember more than two dozen people from my childhood I went to school with. Living in a world that was almost purely digital as the only sort of long term relationships you can have when you move every six months are with people online. Learning to cope with my dad's PTSD and end of life issues. And learning how to grow as a blended family and learn to be a family all over again. I hope I can connect with other step moms out there as well! I swear some days I need a support group just to deal with the challenges of being a step mom, and don't get me wrong its amazing and I LOVE having another kid in the house but navigating co-parenting and building family moments is a challenge at times. I'm 100% down for the challenge though and I look forward to all our adventures as a new family.

1 Comment:

katy said...

I appreciate your honesty.

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